I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
