this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
