Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize