I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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