the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
