You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize