You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
