I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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