we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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