There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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