I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.