rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.