I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
the liver wants what the liver wants
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
