When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.