I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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