DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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