You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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