Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
