ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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