I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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