Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
