I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
