Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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