I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
