proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
