You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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