ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
