my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I need water and some morals
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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