Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
