I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
