yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am mentally ready for anal.
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