You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
