If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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