I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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