I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
