I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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