i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
