On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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