Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
