Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
