I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
