found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
