did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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