u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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