I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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