After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
this hospital has no fireball
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
