A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
