the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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