Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
