Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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