He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
