Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
