Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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