Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
