Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
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Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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