My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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