The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
