You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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