You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
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My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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