Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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