The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
