Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
