Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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